Parents!

Background: On the second day of class this semester, I received an email from a father asking me to send him a weekly email with his son’s assignments for the week and a grade update. I emailed him back and told him that this was not in his child’s best interests, that the boy needed to learn to take responsibility for himself. I said that I would be happy to give the boy his full week of assignments every Monday so that he could write them in his planner and that I would initial it so the parents could verify its accuracy. I reminded the father that teachers’ grades are accessible 24/7 on the Internet, and that he and his son could check them whenever he wished. Dad wrote back and said that he did not trust the accuracy of the on-line grades, so I said that I would be happy to sign weekly progress reports. The boy just needed to give them to me each Friday.

In the meantime, I call on the kid in class routinely, hand raised or not, to keep him involved. I stop by his desk every time we work in class and ask him what help he needs. If he says, “None,” I ask to see his progress and question him about why there isn’t any and what I can do to help. I encourage him at every opportunity to come see me before school, because I am there a half-hour early every day to help kids.

Well, the kid never took advantage of any of this, and the parents obviously never set up an expectation that the boy bring home his planner or progress reports because I never heard a word about them. I did email home once early on to tell the parents that the kid wasn’t doing any of his work. Yesterday, I sent an email saying that unfortunately, the boy did not pass.

This is what I got in return (I have changed names):

Dear Mrs. Reed,

Why should this be unfortunate for you or the rest of Bob's teachers (and his counselor)? Clearly, our son has been pegged with those "who are a waste of time and energy". As a direct result, any and all teachers (and his counselor) aren't even willing to try to help him help himself. I've lived with a secondary level educator for over 20 years, and know the proverbial "handwriting on the wall" when I see it.

His mother and I have done for him all known that is humanly possible (short of doing the work). We are extremely disappointed with Columbine ("Friend of Mine"?) High School. In my opinion, I firmly believe that any lessons to be gleaned after the fact of April 20, 1999, are lacking in the extreme.

All I can say now is: "Thanks for the email" and "Have a great summer"...

Bill’s Dad

I wrote a long, candid answer, graded a few tests, talked to a few students about summer plans, then cut a bunch of stuff out and sent this:

Dear Mr.—:

It's unfortunate that you see it this way, as in my case, nothing could be further from the truth. I like Bob very much and see him as quite capable. I have been more than happy to help him in class, but really, I needed him to come in for extra help, which he would not do. I offered to sign his planner and progress reports, but he never brought them to me. I emailed you when I saw signs of trouble. I contacted his teacher at Sylvan (a tutoring center) as soon as I received her email and told her that I would do anything she needed me to do to help him.

At any rate, it seems like I have done quite a bit, and you have done quite a bit. Many years of teaching have proven to me that until the student understands that it's ultimately his responsibility, very little changes. Mrs.— emailed me and said that Bob is signed up for ACE. The class is simply better formatted to help kids like Bob, especially when it comes to the personal responsibility aspect. I teach ACE because I love it and I love the kids who take it, not because I got "stuck" with it. I do not believe that any human being is a waste of time and energy. The trick is to convince Bob that he is worth his own time and energy. I think that he will be very successful in ACE, and I am very much looking forward to having him in class again.

Sincerely,
Paula Reed

I should mention that the tutoring center didn’t last because the boy wasn’t putting forth any effort. The “Friend of Mine” reference is to a song written by two students right after the shootings. My honest reaction to all of that is, “How DARE you throw April 20th in my face? How DARE you, you $#@*&! Of all the insensitive, sadistic, cruel things to do, and all because you couldn’t parent a freaking goldfish worth a damn!”

So see, I was quite restrained.

So now that I’ve vented, I’m going to take a deep breath and blow this off. I have the boy in ACE next year. Fortunately for him, I don’t hold kids accountable for their ill-behaved parents. I will say this, if Daddy tries to pull this garbage with me next year, I will not be nearly so circumspect in my reply.

UPDATE
Sigh. And tonight I get this:

Dear Mrs. Reed:

Thank you for your most recent email. As to its truth, I have no doubt. I appreciate your candor and effort in helping my son realize his potential. You are probably the ONLY teacher in that school who gives a damn about the worth of children - especially those under your tutelage.

I had the opportunity to come in with Bob's mother for the last Parent-Teacher Conferences, but opted out. For the first time ever in my life, I couldn't face a group of people who I knew were going to give me only distressing news about Bob. And educators do look at the parents to see what kind of people they are and if they perhaps contributed to the situation. This school year, by and far, has been the worst one for our son. We are in a quandary as to "the next step".

At the time I wrote my previous email, I did not realize that you would be one of the ACE teachers. Indeed, Bob has been signed up and will be attending. Despite all that has happened, he knows full well the gravity of his situation and how deep the hole he's in at the present time. However, the notion is still stuck in the boy's head that the ACE program is "the be-all and end-all" in the quest of getting completely caught up on missing credits!

Yes, both you and we have done quite a bit. And yes, Bob refuses to shoulder the responsibility of learning and succeeding - and little has changed as a direct result. Thank you for affirming your passion for teaching ACE. Bob definitely needs that (passion) in his learning at the present time! We continue to affirm Bob as the beautiful person he is. Please continue your own affirmation in that regard when you teach ACE. I am happy that he will be very-much welcomed by you in class once again.

Sincerely,
Bob's Dad

PS I do realize that this next request is extremely untimely, given the fact that this was the last day of school for the kids. I am aware that tomorrow (6/2) is the day when teachers officially check out for the year, but would it be possible to meet with you there tomorrow (6/2), at your convenience? If anything, I want to thank you (and I promise it will be brief, given all that is needed to yet get done!) for your persistence and keeping faithful to my requests at the beginning of the school year all year long! That means a lot to me...

So I read this and my heart goes all soft and squishy because this really is a sweet, gentle boy who probably smokes more pot than he should, and I think that if I were his dad, I would be at my wit's end, too. I'm very glad now that I didn't actually use the word "jackass" in my reply, although I was sorely tempted. I just sent him a reply and invited him to meet with me at 7:30 tomorrow morning. I do think that I will tell him how hurtful I found his comment about April 20. I lost an ACE kid that day. I think he needs to know that.

tags: education  parenting